Sickness and Death

Sickness and Dying

I was a really bad daughter.

I got crazy and sent bad messages.

I understand why dad left me outside his bubble.

There are consequences to my behavior.

I just don’t know how else to be when I am angry.

I regret regret regret.

I’m very depressed and unable to process.

I have no one to talk to.

Author’s note for context:

This was written during a meltdown when I found out my father was severely terminally ill and could die without immediate treatment. He has since stabilized but remains terminal and so I have some more time with him. This was written from the aspect of enormous regret because during this awful time in my father’s life, I was not welcome to come assist him and I realized that it had been some of the negative behaviors of Autism that caused him to shut me out. These moments are important to log and later return to, not just as a reminder of what’s important to us, but as a reminder of how some of our behaviors should be modified because they are inappropriate and harmful to others. This is why I publish such an intense entry.

I recognize that Autism is not an excuse for bad behavior. This diagnosis simply has offered me an open door into healing myself through understanding and processing on my own terms, which is what I understand is the goal of Tojish Kenkyu therapy. Since I started this journal, and used it to process my father’s illness, our relationship has improved because I have developed the ability to control my impulses out of compassion for him, whom I love so much.

Tojisha Kenkyu

Deer Isle, Maine, Today, 2022

There’s a method developed by researchers in Japan called “Tojisha Kenkyu” in which an autistic person is to learn themselves through journaling. Like any kind of journaling, the process empowers one to understand more directly their strengths and weaknesses and how to cope with them. I’ve been doing this since 2021, when I was informally diagnosed, and figuring out a lot of funny things. It’s like wandering through caves of my mind with a candle, illuminating places that were always dark before. It’s uplifting but also extremely sad sometimes. I guess it kind of draws you out in a way, which makes sense, considering that the term “Autism” was originally coined from the Greek word “Autos” which means “being inside”, or, as Oxford puts it, “with reference to a condition in which fantasy dominates over reality.”

I would say that the Oxford definition resonates pretty closely with my experience of life. Nothing inside ever matched up with the outside, and most of the time, I like what’s happening in my mind a lot better than anything else. The journaling has definitely helped me to align things a bit more, and to understand myself enough to attempt to fit in more naturally to my surroundings, especially with people. It’s also helped me to make better decisions for myself and calibrate an “inner compass” which relies less on what others want, more on what I do, think, feel. So, here it is. This is the journal side, with some tentative imagery, however please note that I intend to develop the imagery into a more multimedia practice when I find the space, money and time I need to take on such elaborations.