Food — Iris

I didn’t know there is an eating disorder associated with Autism until just a few months ago and that I have it. It has nothing to do with body image. It’s all to do with how food effects our senses and how our senses can trigger physical pain. When I was little I hated the color combination of red and yellow (still do) and could not eat a plate with these colors. It physically hurts to see those colors together and makes me feel sick. I could not verbalize this as a kid so my family just thought I was a brat.

I realized that color thing more consciously as an adolescent taking art classes and just shrugged it off as a weird thing. As an adult I’ve forced myself to ignore it.

but now I read about this disorder and see other ways I fit into it.

When I have lived alone, I eat the same thing every day. I get into a routine of same meals and that is that. For me, its the security of routine and sameness. I believe it’s part of my tendency to fixate for safety. Maybe grew out of my constant insecurity in relationships. And, of course, avoiding certain smells or colors.

When I get overstimulated these issues are amplified and it does become difficult to eat at all.

I also connect foods to people and then can’t eat them after trauma. Like with fried eggs after Tom left me, the sight of them made me hurt in my chest.

At the time, i understood this as bipolar, some kind of mania, but psychologists always said it was outside the bipolar box and scratched their heads. Now I know why. I’m not bipolar. Of course, most psychologists don’t have ASD as an option when they evaluate adults, so this symptom was just tossed in the odds and ends corner of my diagnosis.

🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m lucky that I enjoy healthy foods and I don’t have so many aversions, so this “disorder” never effected my health negatively, but some Autistics get hooked on a food pattern that is really unhealthy, and they have so many sensitivities, it makes it hard for them to break out of it.

Also, not being alone helps. My friends always opened me up to new foods or made me eat different, and I appreciate that so much. I remember vividly many food moments with people I love ❤️

Tojisha Kenkyu

Deer Isle, Maine, Today, 2022

There’s a method developed by researchers in Japan called “Tojisha Kenkyu” in which an autistic person is to learn themselves through journaling. Like any kind of journaling, the process empowers one to understand more directly their strengths and weaknesses and how to cope with them. I’ve been doing this since 2021, when I was informally diagnosed, and figuring out a lot of funny things. It’s like wandering through caves of my mind with a candle, illuminating places that were always dark before. It’s uplifting but also extremely sad sometimes. I guess it kind of draws you out in a way, which makes sense, considering that the term “Autism” was originally coined from the Greek word “Autos” which means “being inside”, or, as Oxford puts it, “with reference to a condition in which fantasy dominates over reality.”

I would say that the Oxford definition resonates pretty closely with my experience of life. Nothing inside ever matched up with the outside, and most of the time, I like what’s happening in my mind a lot better than anything else. The journaling has definitely helped me to align things a bit more, and to understand myself enough to attempt to fit in more naturally to my surroundings, especially with people. It’s also helped me to make better decisions for myself and calibrate an “inner compass” which relies less on what others want, more on what I do, think, feel. So, here it is. This is the journal side, with some tentative imagery, however please note that I intend to develop the imagery into a more multimedia practice when I find the space, money and time I need to take on such elaborations.